The 10 worst star-studded movie bombs

The jury is in: Garry Marshall's new movie, Mother's Day ^[1], is the worst movie ever made. Give or take.

Filmmaker Marshall has already chalked up a number of crimes against humanity — Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve among them — but this latest execrable homage to the fakest of Hallmark Card holidays has elevated Marshall into some special level of cinematic putrescence.

The only mystery: what would compel the members of a cast that includes Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Margo Martindale, Timothy Olyphant and Jason Sudeikis to sign on for this drivel?

Ignorance? Arrogance? Happenstance?

In honour of Mother's Day and other culture-killing pictures that still manage to attract a gaggle of leading actors, here's a list of 10 star-studded bombs that defy attempts by anyone to explain how Hollywood works:

1. Movie 43 (2013)^[2]

Widely hailed as the very worst movie of 2013 and possibly the millennium, this collection of 'comic' stories involves 12 directors and a pack of A-list actors in some of the stupidest, crudest, most puerile sketches imaginable. Big question is how someone got Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Richard Gere, Anna Faris, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, Uma Thurman, Chris Pratt, Terrence Howard and Bobby Cannavale, among others, to agree to star in this mess.

More proof? Gerard Butler plays a leprechaun.

Okay, then.

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2. All the King's Men (2006)^[3]

The electrifying political drama that won three Oscars in 1949 got remade into a soggy, overblown, talky yawnfest that inexplicably involved Jude Law, Sean Penn, Kate Winslet, Anthony Hopkins, Mark Ruffalo and James Gandolfini. Penn lighting up at the TIFF press conference for the film was the best thing about it.

3. John Carter (2012)^[4]

A Civil War hero goes to Mars: my ass. Science fiction malarkey with giant critters, clunky 3D and rivers of cheese stars Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, Thomas Haden Church, Ciaran Hinds, Bryan Cranston, Mark Strong and others who had perhaps taken leave of their senses. Clueless Kitsch didn't seem to get it though, telling us in 2013 how he regretted moviegoers would never see the sequel. "I had a hard outline for the second one and it was f---ing great."

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4. Mixed Nuts (1994)^[5]

Big yuks about a crisis hotline over Christmas. Huh? This is actually a remake of a French farce, so it's twice-removed from anything you'd remotely want to look at. All of these people must be punished for their participation: Steve Martin, Madeline Kahn, Juliette Lewis, Rob Reiner, Anthony LaPaglia, Adam Sandler.

5. Town & Country (2001)^[6]

Middle-aged men too stupid to be discreet follow their peckers into the sort of mindless infidelity that blows whole families to bits. Hilarious! Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Garry Shandling, Nastassja Kinski and Andie MacDowell should all have known better.

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6. Oceans Twelve (2004)^[7]

Smug nonsense about a cool gang of thieves forced to rob more stuff. This cash grab starring George Clooney, Don Cheadle, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Vincent Cassel, Elliott Gould, Robbie Coltrane, Andy Garcia, Casey Affleck, and a pack of others too smart for this.

7. The Big Wedding (2013)^[8]

Everyone involved in this romantic comedy, about a long-divorced couple who have to pretend they're still married for some idiotic reason, should be forced to do community service. That includes Diane Keaton, Robert De Niro, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Heigl, Amanda Seyfried, Topher Grace and all the rest of the cast. Robin Williams, you're excused.

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8. Masked & Anonymous (2003)^[9]

A completely incomprehensible fable set in the near future about a benefit concert, a mysterious troubadour and the press; falling asleep over here just thinking about it. Bob Dylan co-wrote this film, which helps explain the overall pretension but not the involvement of Jeff Bridges, Penelope Cruz, John Goodman, Jessica Lange, Luke Wilson, Angela Bassett, Ed Harris, Val Kilmer or Bruce Dern.

9. Alexander (2004)^[10]

Gee, Alexander, you're great! Three unwieldy hours of hot air and shiny costumes dressed up as history from Oliver Stone, who somehow talked Angelina Jolie, Colin Farrell, Christopher Plummer, Anthony Hopkins, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Rosario Dawson et al into doing this pompous twaddle. Stone didn't get it, choosing to release a 214-minute version on DVD in 2007.

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10. Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)^[11]

Tom Wolfe's novel gets reamed and turned into a cartoon in this film version of high living Manhattanites brought low by hubris. Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith, Kim Cattrall, Morgan Freeman, Kirsten Dunst and dozens of other actors keep hoping you'll forget they had anything to do with this massive cinematic turd.

Twitter: @LizBraunSun ^[12]

LBraun@postmedia.com ^[13]