Last night Lifetime premiered Pregnant at 17, yet another example of all the troublesome things that can happen to people who are just barely old enough to get into an R-rated movie. I was interested to see this one, mostly because the promos Lifetime aired for it were made to look like a dramatic silent movie, and I'm a sucker for creative and/or mind-boggling marketing techniques.
Just as I suspected, this movie was chock-full of important life lessons that apply to everyone, not just teenagers who are pregnant with the babies of married men. So I rounded up the biggest ones in a list for your convenience.
1. Drinking in bars at 17 is totes cool, as long as you have adult supervision.
It's totally fine that Chelsea (Zoé De Grand Maison, aka Gracie from from Orphan Black[2]) has been hanging out in bars since she was 15, since her dad is right over there playing pool, and the bartender stops guys from hitting on her. Well, except for that one time she started dating a married man. Oops.
2. If the sister of the guy you helped put in jail for robbery won't leave you alone at school, just drop out.
Chelsea witnessed a young man named Greg (Rogan Christopher) rob a convenience store and ratted him out to the police. Greg's sister (Corina Bizim) bothered her about it a lot at her locker between classes, so obviously she had no choice but to stop going to school.
3. If you pass out while ironing, you might be pregnant.
Good thing Chelsea woke up in time. There could have been more damage than just that triangle burn on the carpet. As her co-worker at the ice cream shop suggests, she may have gotten knocked up. A pregnancy test confirms this, as we all could have guessed from the movie's title.
4. The worst thing that can happen to a woman is not being able to have a baby.
We've learned this lesson time and time again[3] in Lifetime movies. Sonia (Josie Bissett), the wife of Jeff (Roark Critchlow), Chelsea's baby daddy, had a miscarriage. Because of that, her husband became a lying dickhead who knocked up a teenager. So sad.
5. When you're meeting your married lover at a hotel, make sure to state your full name for everyone to hear.
Sonia finds out where Jeff is meeting Chelsea, and she goes there to spy. That's when she hears Chelsea checking in. Just think, if Chelsea hadn't said her name, Sonia wouldn't be able to google her, and we might not have a movie!
6. If you've just found out your girlfriend is both pregnant and underage, just try to pay her to have an abortion.
Jeff tries to give Chelsea $10,000 to end the pregnancy, but she doesn't want it. Good thing they have a big argument about it on her front lawn so Greg's spying sister can overhear it and find out Chelsea is involved with a rich guy just as her brother is getting out of jail.
7. When you find out your husband has been sleeping with a teenager, go ahead and befriend her.
Sonia visits Chelsea at the ice scream shop, and then at a thrift store, where she proceeds to act really weird and ask Chelsea personal questions. She's surprised to discover how much they have in common! Aww, besties!
8. Always tell strangers intimate details about your life.
Chelsea has no problem telling a strange woman about her mother's death, her pregnancy, and her complicated relationship with the baby's father. It was just so nice of her to ask.
9. Sometimes the inspirational messages you have tattooed on your body don't turn out to be true.
Chelsea has "love conquers all" tattooed on her ankle in German in tribute to her mother. But her current situation kind of conflicts with that. If only it would turn out to be true in the end, just not like she first expected…
10. When your wife confronts you about your affair, be sure to blame her for everything.
Jeff apologizes in the same tone a person might use when they forgot to pick up a carton of milk on the way home, then says this is all because Sonia had to go and have a miscarriage and ruin their marriage. What a bitch, am I right?
11. Then get hit by a car as soon as you're no longer needed for the plot.
Jeff spends the rest of the movie in a hospital bed while Chelsea and Sonia do most of the work.
12. When your husband's pregnant teenage mistress starts fearing for her life, just let her stay with you.
But you might want to tell her you're her baby daddy's wife first. It's the polite thing to do.
13. Always answer the door with a smile when you think a guy who just got out of prison is looking for you.
Chelsea is staying with Sonia, as I just mentioned, because she spotted Greg outside the ice cream shop. The police told them to be careful, so obviously Sonia answers the door without checking who it is and quickly welcomes two people with guns into her home.
14. Keep $25,000 and some jewelry in your safety deposit box at all times in case you need ransom money.
Sonia takes Greg to get the money while his sister drives Chelsea to an abandoned house somewhere. (Bad guys know where all the abandoned buildings are.)
15. Try to be a veterinarian so that you'll always have dog tranquilizers in your car when you're kidnapped.
Greg ties Sonia up in the back of her own car and drives it to meet his sister, but Sonia the veterinarian has a plan. Long story short, Greg wants her and Chelsea to dig their own graves, but with the help of that needle, they end up shooting both of them and calling 911.
16. If you can, always give your baby to the wife of the man you slept with.
It's so convenient that Sonia and Chelsea became such good friends. Otherwise Chelsea might have become a teen mother, and Lifetime movies have already taught us how unfun that can be[4].
17. That guy who works in the convenience store is the love of your life.
Obviously Chelsea ends up with the grandson of the convenience store worker Greg robbed. Aw, maybe her lame tattoo was right after all. Let's just hope this time she remembers to take her birth control every day.
References
- ^ via (www.latimes.com)
- ^ from Orphan Black (theflounce.com)
- ^ Lifetime Movie Don't Wake Mommy Continues the Trend of Crazy Ladies Who Can't Have Babies (www.crushable.com)
- ^ 17 Life Lessons I Learned From Lifetime's Stalked At 17 (www.crushable.com)
